I Don't Know What To Say

"The night has gone

A part of yesterday

I don't know what to say...

I don't know what to say...."

-"The One That You Love", Air Supply

I've been a very bad writer. *looks guilty*. And it isn't because of the chocolate chip I stole from the cookie jar. You thought I was going to say supermarket, didn't you? >_> I'm not that bad.

Why am I bad, you ask? Well, *shakes head* first of all, I've been neglecting you - my dearest blog! I missed you so much but I had a great big bout of writer's block and...well first let me give you a great big squeeze! *gives blog a great big squeeze*. What I was going to say is that for about two weeks now I had this great er...where's my dictionary? vehement despite against writing. Pourquoi? Why would I, a blogger on writing, suddenly hate (I'm sorry, that's a strong word...vehemently despise) writing? Well. I think it began with my creative writing club. (If this was a TV show, you would see me looking up to the ceiling very philosophically as the image blurs and we go back in time to a memory. Think that 70s show when Fez [sp?] dreams about being awesome). (And yes I know I just used an adverb).

I told the leader of the creative writing club (aka a teacher at our school who is going to get her book published, and not self-published, might I add) that I was going to join ABNA. Maybe. And I heavily stressed on the maybe. She offered to look at my pitch and help me out (mind you this was two weeks ago) and I was all like, "Yeah, thanks. But I might not join." And then she went on rambling about beta readers like I didn't know what they were (of course I know!) And I don't think she got the idea that there was a great possibility I was not going to go in the contest. So then I'm feeling like I don't want to write a pitch anymore because, really, I don't know. I mean, I was going to have help! Great, experienced help at that! But the reason for my reluctance is that I hadn't began editing my Nano at all. And I stress at the at all. Maybe a couple paragraphs, yes. But that was in December. And when I read it back then, I was thinking to myself, "WTF did I write in November? Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll have fresh eyes." So when I got home that very same day, I looked at it again - the first few paragraphs of my Nano - and it looked the same to me. Utter rubbish. So I'm feeling pretty bad now (sorry, I sound like a rambling teenager, and not a sophisticated writer, but I need to let this out) because, did I not add, ABNA was accepting entries THAT VERY DAY. So (sorry for the many usages of that word) I was getting stressed and feeling crazy and delirious, like the Chesire Cat up there (does he creep you out as much as he creeps me out?) I was all like, okay, I'm going to do this. I'm going to edit this bad boy (or maybe it's a girl?) and get it in submission before the time they stop accepting submissions (which is on February 7th). I know what you are doing. You are checking your calendars. You are saying, "But Vanille, it is already the 8th."

And here I hang my head down in shame.

Not only was I so irresponsible as to not warn the poor teacher to not worry about the pitch because I wasn't doing it, but I didn't edit sh*t (sorry for that, I'm stressed). Now, I had excuses. For example, the creative writing club only meets on Mondays (to my knowledge). The next two Mondays after that (including this one) we didn't have school. But there was no excuse for not going to her the other four days in a school week and saying it straight up. Now, my english teacher (whom I shall from now on name Mr. English Teacher) is like THE BAD TEACHER. You know, those notoriously strict, mean, unmerciful teachers. Yeah, we have one. And me and my friend were partnering up for a project I don't know if I mentioned before. We have to make 6 commercials, 3 for Merchant of Venice and 3 for Romeo and Juliet. Now, we have to write scripts, we need actors, and we need to edit this thing by the 23rd. So most of lunch was occupied with that. Then, my biology teacher is relentless and will keep giving us labs and homework. Then I have all my other homework and tests and memorizing two soliloquys for Mr. English Teacher. And to top it all off, I am pretty sure the guy sitting next to me in geometry likes me, but I don't like him at all. How do I know? He asked me if I had a boyfriend, to which I replied, no and I don't want one because they distract me from my academics. And he made that disappointed face. GRR. For some reason, I absolutely despise guys who like me. I don't know, probably because I have to break their hearts. So I'm going to have to get my other guy friend (who just so happens to like me too, my friend tricked him into confessing. It was apparent anyways) to warn the guy sitting next to me not to waste his time on me because I will not give him the time of day. So now I have all this going on and then writing is about the least important thing on my list but for some reason I feel so guilty about it. Then, I didn't rewrite the 2K for the club. I need work on dedication. In fact, I didn't write anything at all. I avoided the Nanowrimo, ABNA website and this blog (sadly) like the plague. I even relented to critique my poor critique buddy's chapter after she's waited all these weeks for it. GAH! I'm so bad.

Now you see. And then I still find myself procrastinating - watching movies, TV, playing chess, playing solitaire, staring at the ceiling worrying about everything. So I blamed writing for all my troubles and I just wanted to avoid anything writing related. I still am, but I'm trying to recover. I just need a BREAKK!! Thus my great big bout of writer's block. Errrggghh.

Yes, I'm very bad. And I'm sorry, but there is not going to be a post about writing advice today. The only good news is that I read up to 400 pages on Crime and Punishment, which means I can do my book report and get extra credit. It's actually a very good book. I just don't feel up to telling advice to writers when I myself feel so...not-writer-ish. That would be hypocritical of me to advise you on how to get out of writer's block, when I'm in such a serious bout myself, with no way to get out. Maybe when I do get out, I can tell you my secret. And that won't be so hypocritical. So, sorry. Maybe writing is the cure for this. Maybe I have all this boiled inside me and writing is the way out. But when I tried writing the 2K earlier today, I ended up writing the lyrics to Help! By The Beatles. Oh. *sigh*

I end this on a sigh. Now, I must get to my biology extra credit. What a nerd am I. But I just cannot, cannot write. It's even painful to write this. What is wrong with me?! Maybe in another few weeks, I will be okay. I'll try posting on you, blog. I will not let you go so soon. Maybe in the future, I can look back on this and laugh. Hahaha. My friend laughs when she's nervous. Hahaha.

If there is a psychologist out there, can you pleeease, help me, help me, help mmeeeee..oohhh

After the Break (hopefully it won't be a long one),

Vanille

"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task." ~William James

(P.S. I have about 5 plot bunnies circling my head, and I'm afraid I can't write about them just yet. So here's the only advice for today - advice I'm going to use myself, too. When you have a lot of plot bunnies, write them down in a notebook. Ha. I'm afraid I didn't give very good advice, if you are a writer, you would already be doing that without my advising. Okay, I'll stop now.)

VIVA LA VIDA.
....

Okay, that came out of nowhere.

I'll stop now.